#9

Water Lily Pond

The white lily splashed with pink coloring
floats smoothly in the lucid blue pond
(Inserted a word change here. original poem was clear now lucid)
without any purpose, free as it can be. (inserted comma after purpose)
The lily intentions is ( emphasis the lily instead of flower)
to float while time passes. (added es to pass)

The white lily filled with loneliness and wanted desire
has the reflection of clear water, to remains
the lily of its own beauty.
The sallow bulging clouds appear above
(Inserted another description. original image white puffy clouds now sallow bulging.)
protecting the helpless lily from drying out.


I decided to do a critical review of my own poem that I submitted in class last week. After, looking over my poems and comments; I took many of those into consideration and really appreciate the feed back from my classmates. When I beginning reading over the poem and looking for the errors that I over looked. I do very much agree with the punctuation errors and feel that they can be improved. However, as far as the images that thought of, I knew they were very common but I couldn't really think of anything else to say besides that. I would also like it I could you guys had any suggestion or ideas to help assist me that would be great.

#8

Why does it take a world crisis to occurr for people to realize other people are in need besides our on? There are many people across the world that goes to sleep every night with a empty stomach, wake up in the morning not even having clean water to drink, or even having a place called "home". As an Americans, We take these luxuries for granted at times and I may be one of those people. For some home is a two room house, barely have electricity, and running water inside the house. We Winn about not having enough cloths to wear or even the most expensive things in life. But for some people, they only have two shirts and one pair of pants, and consider that a life long dream. I say as Americans we should look past our overly excessive luxuries and help people who are in very desperate needs of necessities. Of I am referring to the earthquake that hit Haiti which torn the country literally into to pieces. This was a major devastation to them and the world economy. This incident is very dear to me because I have a cousin that works for CNN and was over there for twelve long days. I got to see first hand pictures and hear stories about what was and was not been doing to help these people. So I say to all lets keep the people in our prayers and continue to assistance them on rebuilding their country.

#7

Laying soundly asleep thinking about
not ever having to do anything, but
look spontaneously at a screen and fill my gut to capacity
not having to wake up everyday to the real world
jobs, responsibilities, and commitments

The only critical thinking you have to do is
am I going to do laundry
cook and clean
or even iron and put on cloths
besides my pajamas

What a great life that seems
rising up and facing reality
taking accountability for yourself
going the distance to be a better person
is what life suppose to be